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Dear Cookie,
After two years together, my boyfriend and I are about to try having an open relationship. We set up some rules and at this point no one has done anything yet. Still I’m a little nervous about it. Do you have any advice on the matter that might help us from getting jealous or hurting each other (or the guys we will be sleeping with on the side)?
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Dear Anonymous,
All relationships have rules, but the advantage to yours is that you get to decide which rules work for you. Trust your values, and be clear about them, with yourself and your boyfriend. For many, the key is emotional responsibility — outlining the parameters around what is OK and what isn’t is fundamental. When it comes to other guys, the line between lust and love is an important one. Be careful if things get too heady; it rarely ends well. And at the same time, take care of yourself: choose your partners well, and exercise safety.
The most important thing about entering a relationship like this is communication. Be specific about what you expect, and what you expect to give. This includes everything from house rules about hosting to who you can and cannot have dinner with. And just in case it gets a little fuzzy along the way, never forget to make it clear to your boyfriend exactly why he won the title in the first place. You may be allowed to forget about certain rules, but that is one to live by.
In terms of the other men, remember that just because you are not currently seeking a boyfriend doesn’t mean they aren’t. Don’t ask, don’t tell is not always the best policy here. And be prepared for questions. Not everyone understands open relationships, but more and more people are coming to understand that different relationships work for different people.
Good luck, Anonymous, and let me know if you have any questions down the line!
Best,
Cookie
Dear Cookie,
How can I stay fresh during these on-again, off-again heatwaves?
Thanks,
Hot and Bothered
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Dear Hot and Bothered,
I feel you. There are a number of things you can do.
1) Drink plenty of water. Ice water. All the time.
2) Take showers. Lots of them. Even if you step in for a second, it can cool you off like no other.
3) Plan for the heat. Be very mindful of what you do, how you get there and what you are wearing. Make sure your clothing is as light as possible (get your hair out of your face), and take many breaks if you are in an area that is not ventilated well.
4) Blotting papers. They’re small, but they work when you’re on the run and you need an extra boost of freshness.
5) Air conditioning. Find it. Sit in it. Relax, and enjoy life.
I’m thinking of you, Hot and Bothered.
Best,
Cookie
P.S. And let’s not forget about fans! Don’t they still make those portable electronic fans that you can wear around your neck? I think I’m going to get one. Now.
Dear Cookie,
I do not have a question today but instead a thank you! I’ve been dying for an afternoon snack and since it is 100 degrees outside I really wanted an ice cream sandwich. However I decided to take a page from your book and go with edamame instead. Thanks, Cookie!
Best,
You Saved my Diet!
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Dear You Saved my Diet!,
You are more than welcome! Edamame is a truly magical thing. I used to always get the edamame in the pods, but I have recently gotten into shelled edamame as well, which is great for salads and sides. I am glad I was able to help! Stay cool.
Best,
Cookie
Cookie, how am I going to finish writing my novel when my day job is eating me alive? Faking cancer for the time off would be wrong, right?
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Dear Anonymous,
Finding the time to give your passion wheels is not an uncommon problem, and the 40 hours a week at the office can put a damper on things in a big way. One key to productivity is portability. If you can carry your writing with you wherever you go, getting things done will be less of a problem. Sneaking in writing breaks at work or on your daily commute can help. If you drive to work, you can use a digital voice recorder to run ideas off for later. As you probably know, the writing process is one that happens at its own pace, so you would benefit to be ready for it at any point in time.
And don’t forget to outline. No detail is too small, and even when your progress is slow, knowing exactly what lies ahead can be of good use. Clarifying your ultimate goals for this project will help you glean inspiration from everyday life and the people around you, and help you edit, edit, edit. Sometimes, less is more — nobody’s ideas are all good.
Faking cancer for the time off would indeed be a bad move, but taking time off set aside for the specific purpose of writing might do you worlds of good. Make sure you plan vacation days in advance, and be selfish about it. Don’t let anything impose on your much-needed personal time. Life is too short.
Hope this helps, Anonymous — break a pen!
Best,
Cookie
Cookie,
I feel like recently everything I do is wrong. I try to do things that I know are right but it always back fires in my face. How should I handle things like this without getting too worked up and upset?
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Dear Anonymous,
I hear you. Life can feel like a series of trials and errors, and it sounds like you’re in a tough phase right now. Nobody’s perfect. As much as we try to avoid it, there will always be things that go wrong, and we will always make some mistakes. Recovering from them is the tricky part, but it can also be the part that defines who you are the most.
One thing that helps is to realize that fulfillment is not an all-or-nothing deal. You can’t necessarily avoid pitfalls, but you can add things to your routine that balance them out. Little things like cleaning the house or calling a friend can change your day-to-day outlook. When negatives are coming at you in droves, add as many positives to the equation as possible and shake things up. It takes a little energy, but it makes a lot of difference.
Organizing your life in such a way that makes you comfortable is a skill. It pays to realize what makes you tick, and to exert some self-parenting in deciding what situations you put yourself in. Trial and error serves to do nothing if not help us realize what doesn’t work.
And remember that problems often have a very specific cause. Human consciousness is a deceptively ambiguous thing, but a lot the time, the root of a problem — as well as its solution — is something much more tangible. Lists can help to enumerate goals, and the things you need to do to make them a reality. You can’t solve everything in one day, but you can clarify what needs to be done and take little steps to make it happen. There is nothing like concrete action to improve your perspective. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, all it takes is a trip to the store, a night with friends or a day at the salon to bring you out of a funk.
Finding your place in the world is a lifelong journey, Anonymous, and a very gradual one. Integrity is a gift of time, and happiness is the result. Take your time, and don’t forget to smell the roses.
Best,
Cookie
Cookie,
How can we extend this long weekend?
-Angela
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Dear Angela,
Ah, yes, the time has come for another work week. But there are plenty of ways to extend the good cheer of a holiday weekend! Why not buy yourself a new album you’ve been wanting? Or meet a friend for pina coladas this week? Nothing says summer like a get-together with friends.
You are only as young as your heart is, Angela. Recently, a feature in Cosmopolitan listed 50 things you should “never have stopped doing.” The list includes things like Flip Cup, Lifetime movie comas equipped with ice-cream sundaes and Tiffani Amber Thiessen, and going to the mall. It’s the little things. Who says you can’t still blast Madonna and dance around your bedroom like a crazy person — whenever you feel like it? Or institute Take-out Tuesdays for yourself and whoever else wants to join? No one, that’s who.
Madonna did say, however, ”if we took a holiday, took some time to celebrate - just one day out of life, it would be so nice.” Let’s prove her right, and take back the weekend in our hearts!
Best,
Cookie
Summertime, summertime!
Happy 4th of July!
Hope you’re all busy working on your tans. Got any summer relationship dramas or work questions you need answered? Don’t forget to ask Cookie, your one and only source for life’s unyielding question mark.
Take life by the horns. Ask Cookie.
Best,
Cookie
